TIme to take that HO out of the HOusewife business

Dear Marjie,

 I am in a stuck situation and I can’t figure out how to get out of it. First I’ll admit that I’ve been cheating on my boyfriend but it really isn’t my fault. He literally drove me to it. It’s not that he don’t treat me right, but because he just cant fulfil me in bed, so I found my lovin somewhere else. But here’s my problem, my boyfriend bought me a ring and proposed so now we’re getting married but my man on the side won’t leave me alone. All of a sudden he’s talking like we had a real relationship even though I only went to see him when I wanted to get some. I told him that we were over but he keeps blowin up my phone and coming by my job so much that people started to ask me who he was so I had to tell them he’s my cousin. But that ain’t the only problem. My boyfriend has a friend that’s a girl who thinks she’s hot shit because shes going to school. He tells me they’re only friends but I don’t believe him and even if its true that could change any time. So what do I do? How do I get this guy to stop bothering me and how do I get this chick to leave my man alone.

 Bride to Be

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 Dear Bride to Be,

You’re fuckin’ with me right? This is one of my friends trying to be funny isn’t it? Come on, you can tell me.

Okay well in case this bizarre letter is actually someone looking for help, allow me to share my wisdom.

First, I find it peculiar that your boyfriend LITERALLY drove you to cheat. You do realize, I’m sure, that this means that your boyfriend pulled up in his car, you hopped on in, he hit the accelerator and DROVE you to that dude’s house right? Of course you know that, because I can tell from your letter you are an educated woman. But really, that is such a small part of what is wrong here.

Can I ask you a question? Now that the ring was presented has your man suddenly become a good lover? No? Then what do you plan to do. Where you going to find your “lovin” once you say I do? I find it hard to believe that a woman who thinks it’s her boyfriend’s fault she cannot keep her legs closed is going to settle for a lifetime of being faithful.

Then there’s your man’s friend. Guess what hootchie mama, all women aren’t like you. Some women CAN be friends with a man without whoring it up with him. I can see why you would think it impossible though, since you need to get some by the men in your life, obviously, every woman must need to get some too huh? But remember, she is NOTHING like you – she is trying to better her MIND rather than her sexual statistics (which, in your language equates to being hot shit).

You think you have a problem here but I have a news flash for you – it’s not you that has the problem – it’s the fool who thinks he can turn a ho into a housewife. I say call it off, get back on your corner and just leave marriage and wedding talk to the decent people.

I’m still going to say good luck because holy shit you are so going to need it.

Marjie

The Well Read College Student … and those who won’t

Dear Marjie

 I am a grown woman going to college to enter the medical profession. I have one class which I attend where the teacher, daily, asks students to read aloud from the textbook. One volunteer read as though English was her second language while another read so low we were all attempting to lip read. After I had read aloud, it seemed to have been somehow decided, I was the reader of the class. I have no problem with participating in class, but feel a little put upon by being the ONLY one participating in class. Every day the teacher asks for volunteers and every request is met with silence and a mass of heads turning to me to pick up the challenge (which I do out of awkwardness). How do I inspire either the teacher to call on other students or the students to step up to the plate. It sucks to have to read the text twice every day, once aloud and once quietly to myself for comprehension.

 Sincerely,

C’mon, it’s college, I know you guys can read

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Dear C’mon,

You would think that a classroom full of grown people would NOT need to be told to step up to the plate, but, alas, this is one of the very core problems with education today – too many people are trying to just get out of school as quickly as possible without any true inspiration to actually LEARN while there. I do; however, have a couple of ideas that may (or may not) help. The trick is to do one of them each time you are pressured into being the class spokesman. You can switch them up, add to the list, but the idea is to not make things as easy, pleasant and efficient for either the class or the teacher.

• Come into class speaking very low and horse, going into coughing convulsions. I would, once told you no longer have to read, quickly resume your normal speaking voice when saying “thank you.”
• Go to Google translate and have a page of your text translated into another language. This would require you to have to sound out each word, but isn’t that one of the tricks your classmates used to get out of it themselves?
• Tape record yourself reading the text, and when the next class comes around and you are asked, once again, to read aloud, just play the text. If asked why you had done this, reply, “I wanted to know how it felt to be able to read along for once.” (I suggest you do this the first week).
• Read your text as though reading a dramatic novel, taking pregnant pauses and occasionally building to the end of a paragraph in a fevered pitch.
• Alternatively, read your text as though this is the funniest thing you’ve ever read and occasionally break into uncontrolled laughter.
• Look at the subject of the text for the day and explain to the teacher that this subject is too traumatic for you and you find it too difficult to discuss.
• Put another book inside of your book (small paperback) and begin reading from that.
• Read the sentences in the text out of order, jumping around the page.
• Read lightning fast only stopping to gasp for breath.
• Broker a deal with the teacher that you should receive an additional extra credit as you have been elected teaching assistant.
• Read a chapter ahead explaining you already read this chapter on the train.
• Read it in pig Latin – example, reading the word “word” would be “ordwA”
• Pick your word of the day, maybe locomotive, and insert it into every sentence. If questioned say, I think I’ve developed Tourette’s.
• Omit sentences altogether – should you be confronted explain that you found the sentence to be offensive.
• Add things like, “Once upon a time”, “it was told throughout the land”, “alas, the king decreed” etc.
• Bring a picket sign to class – “more time off and better benefits for classroom readers”
• Omit all instances of the words “the” and “and” citing their insignificance to the subject matter.

I think you get the gist, now just let your imagination run away with you and let me know how it goes.

Good luck

Marjie

Let the Music Play

Dear Marjie,

I am a 16 year old high school student who is never in trouble and always brings home good grades.  I have a pretty good relationship with my Mom who is both a Mom and a Dad to me.  I try being helpful at home, work part time on the weekends and I don’t drink or smoke.  My problem is my Mom still treats me like a baby.  I like hip hop but my Mom forbids me from buying it or playing it in the house.  She says it disrespects women and is the cause of bad behavior so she doesn’t want me listing to “that trash”.  I think my mom should trust me more and let me make choices for myself, I really believe I’ve earned it but she just looks at me and says NO RAP!!!!  I know my Mom used to listen to Tupac, and I think she’s being really hypocritical in telling me I can’t.  What can I do to make her trust me enough to make my own choices?  Help.

Too Smart to be treated so Stupid.

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Dear Too Smart,

First, Congratulations on making all the right choices so far in your young life.  It is not every day that we hear about someone who has chosen so wisely at such a young age, and you deserve a lot of credit.  Your mom also deserve a great deal of credit for raising a child so well during a time in history where so many of our young people are going astray – lost not only to drugs, alcohol and sex but in a complete lack of direction.

I know of so many young people who would not even be writing this to me at all, but would instead argue or sneak behind their parent’s back, and the fact that it is so important to you that your mother knows, and accepts, your choice is telling about the quality of your character.  Bravo.

I suggest you sit down with your mom and really speak to her about why this is so important to you, about why she has so little to fear as to the influence music has on a person like yourself, and perhaps, going over her concerns with her.  It’s important that you not only speak to your mom openly, but listen to her intently and truly address what it is that most concerns your mom.

I can tell you from experience as I have raised two children who have grown into responsible, intelligent and moral children – both of which listened to Hip Hop, Reggae, House etc.  I’ve heard the lyrics, and I understand that what the lyrics portray can often be horrific, but the lyrics do not form a child’s opinions on right and wrong, nor do they create the adult the child will become – not as long as there is open dialogue between a parent and a child.  A meaningful discussion about opinions and viewpoints on current issues does more in forming the development of a young person than Lil Wayne ever will – and maybe you need to remind your Mom of the lessons on self-respect and morality that she has so successfully ingrained in you.  Sheltering and shielding young people does not equip them to be stronger and more moral adults – but teaching and being active in a young person’s development does.  The words blaring from a speaker can never be as loud as the truth spoken from the heart of the person who loves you most – and maybe if your mom understands that – she will use this opportunity to open dialogue, to communicate and teach, and to learn what is good and golden that she has already put into you.

Show her this column and I do invite her to write in herself if she would like to discuss this further.  In the meantime, congratulations sweetie on being the remarkeable person that your mom has taught you to be, and that you allow yourself to be every day.

Good luck

Marjie

Alibi to a Lie

Dear Marjie,

I have a real problem. My best friend is married but cheating on her husband. She is always telling her husband that she is with me, even though she is not. I barely see her any more, but get a lot of calls telling me, if anyone asks, tell them I was shopping, eating dinner, going to the movies, etc. with you. I don’t believe people should cheat on each other, I don’t like being used by my friend, and I am lonely since I rarely go out any more because I am supposedly with my friend (and since we share the same circle of friends I don’t want to blow up her spot). I have told her how I feel, and that I don’t want to be her alibi any more, but she just gets mad and tells me if I were a real friend I wouldn’t do her like that. What should I do?

Alibi to a Lie

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Dear Alibi,

I’m not sure how long you believe that you and your friend have been “best” friends but let me tell you something, YOU ARE NOT. For all the times I hear about how men are dogs – I should point out that some women are also dog’s … well bitches … and this “friend” of yours is a great example.

I, like you, don’t approve of cheating either. If you want someone else, get the hell up and leave – sneaking around and doing dirt like that just shows what a coward you are. Face it, if you want to cheat you DON’T want to be in a relationship any more so just get out of it. But with that being said, back to this “friend” of yours.

What kind of friend would emotionally blackmail you, would use you, would be fine with watching you become a shut-in just so she can get a piece of ass? I’ll tell you – NONE. This chick is clearly not your friend, and because of this, you owe her nothing. Next time she calls to let you know what the lie of the day is, tell her NO and stick to with it. If she pulls that “if you were my friend” shit, give a “if you were my friend” right back at her. If you lose the relationship, so what!!! After all, what are you really losing since you are only friends on paper anyway. Go out, have fun, move on and leave her in the dark shadows of deceit where she currently chooses to live.

Best of luck,

Marjie

His Baby and the Other Woman

Dear Marjie,

I need to write if it doesnt go through I wont care just need to get it out of my head.  I met the guy four days ago, I invited him to come sit in the shade with me and my little girl, (kids go to daycare together) no intentions were made on either part.  He agreed.  We introduced ourselves, and had a great relaxing day at the beach, second day same thing at the beach, we talked more and went canoeing around the lake.

Next day he had the day off , he lives close.  I happen to be on the road and he drives up and says hi, I wasnt honest with you, I have a girlfriend and we have a baby together.  I dont know if shes mine or not, I have a feeling thats shes not.  Right from the get go he thought it was his friends, and resembles him.  Then he said theres 10 year difference and shes French and hard to understand. I thought ok he has a girlfriend, I’m ok with that lets just be friends.  Our kids get along really well.  Then he says he’d like to come hang out for the afternoon, (his girlfriend and the baby girl is out of town for a few weeks).

I said sure so he brought over some coronas and a dube. we smoked and had a few drinks.  We laid up on my roof, we talked and talked and have so mch in common. He kept giving me compliments, and said he wishes he wasnt in a relationship.  I was just frustrated, with the whole thing. cause I like him but also I’m 9 yr older and just know better.  I know how the girlfriend feels, just having a baby and probably not sexual, and young still like me (I’m in my prime and very sexual.)

I could easily take this man and make mad love to him, but I cannot, as I have respect for his girlfriend and their baby.  Now he’s got me picking up and dropping off his son at daycare cause the girlfriend doesn’t drive, she would have to bundle up baby anh take a cab to get him there, wont just keep him home with her?????  I dont really get that part, but he says she’s a new mom and is not comfortable with little buddy there.  He’s adorable.  Dad drops him off at 6:30 a.m., in my bed.

Little buddy cuddles with me as we slowly wake.  I have unbelievable fantasies with the Dad and its going to to be so hard seeing him in the mornings, as I’m very sexual in the morning exspecially.  I get up walk him to the door in my low cut sexy nighty.  I could feel him staring at me, wanting me, I say GO get out of here, Lord lead me not into temptation… he laughs and leaves.  I see a wild sexual affair, but refuse to share, so I’ll have to back out, cause its just not fair, I’m cheating myself.  It’s just that I like him too much and wear my heart on my sleeve, but as much as I want to seduce him, I can’t because guilt will engulf me

Thanks for letting me write.  I have to get these guys to daycare, Lord give me strength in this.  His girlfriend will be back in a week and she is still living with him.

Love that Baby’s Daddy

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Dear Love that Baby’s Daddy,

You, my friend, are being used.  I noticed that although you mention your young child, I don’t hear anything about a boyfriend or your Baby’s Father in the picture.  Being a single parent can be very lonely, spending so much of your time with your child and not necessarily exposed to potential partners, a person can be easily lured with a bird in the hand … but please, throw it back into the bush.

Whether the child is this gentleman’s or not, he has accepted responsibility, lives with the child’s mother, and has a relationship not only to this woman, but with the children produced in the relationship.  For him to use his child to lure you into a relationship is sick and lowly – and is very telling about his character.  I have to be honest with you, there is a lot about this situation that is low and seedy.

How are you laying beside another woman’s child, having morning fantasies about this child’s father/this woman’s man?  How are you going to say in one breath that you are highly sexually aroused in the morning, while simultaneously discussing cuddling up with this dude’s son?  I understand that your fantasies are aimed at Daddy, while your nurturing is directed at son, but the fact that you will answer the door in your seductive clothing and take a small child from the arms of another woman’s man, while she is out of town with their youngest, is beyong disturbing.  You really really need to get out in the world and expand your circle to a new set of people.

Don’t allow your lonliness to delude you into believing that this sneaky, devious man is a good partner for you – because he is NOT.  He is manipulating you, manipulating his girlfriend, using his child while putting him in a position that no child belongs in (a lure to reel in sex).  Not to mention that throughout the entirety of your letter I was NOT hearing about your own child.  Your child deserves a Mommy that they can admire and respect, and they deserve to be the center of their mommy’s world, not some dude’s “adorable” little buddy.

You might want to join a support group for single parents – meeting people in your own situation that could help with your feelings of lonliness.  You deserve a man in your life that is YOUR man, a person that would be there for you, a person you could trust and respect – that would NOT be this Baby’s Dad.   Despite the pithy sayings to the contrary, all men are not dogs, and those good men (who are out there) are worth taking your time to find – so stop settling with MR. HERE RIGHT NOW and wait for MR. RIGHT.  The sex will be better when sharing intimacy, the relationship will be better with trust, the companionship will be better with openness and your life will be better with someone there for you – not squeezing you in when it’s convenient for him (and his girlfriend).

Love yourself, and soon you will see that you are worth too much to be giving to this dog.

Good luck,

Marjie

 

Completely Over It (Originally posted on 1/5/12)

Dear Marjie,

I was in a relationship for about 7 years and I had some problems with my ex.  I would try to communicate with her to let her know the problems I was having with our relationship.  Usually it would be the same things over and over again.  She would “okay” me and tell me know she would work on it but the problems were still there.  I decided recently to move on because she doesn’t seem to respect how some of the things made feel.

Now a few months later, she is trying to do everything right, but I just don’t care.  My problem is since communication was a problem before, how do I communicate to her that I have no interest in being in a relationship with her anymore?

Best regards,

Completely over it.

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Dear Completely over it,

After being in a relationship for 7 years, and only being separated for a few months, I’m surprised that you can feel so nonchalant about her attempt to try to reconcile and willingness to work it out.  At least that what comes through in your letter, but that’s okay though because when it’s gone, it’s gone – no sense in trying to sugar coat it.  But, before you close that door, allow me to play devil’s advocate about whether being over it is the right choice.

When a person establishes a relationship, and remains in it for a significant amount of time, they often fall into a pattern, a kind of skill set for dealing with the relationship.  This “relationship retardation” doesn’t necessarily carry over into the rest of the person’s social life and as they mature in their family relationships, in their friendships, in their business relationships – the “relationship” relationship’s dynamic matures much more slowly.  Think of those guys you may still be tight with since high school, now think of those friends that you have made as the more mature person that you currently are, do those two subsets of relationship really operate on the same maturity level?  Some people refer to that point where you have matured more than your long term relationship as the seven year itch.  Ironic in this case huh?  With that being said, a little distance and perspective may have opened your girlfriend’s eyes to what you were trying to convey all along.  Or, alternatively, she just knows that what she had was more important than she realized, and what is out there pales in comparison to what she’s lost.  Hard to say without knowing where she’s coming from. 

So, giving that a few minutes to stew, if you feel – “Yeah, well I’m over it” than keep reading.

My thought though is that the very casual approach you have to being “over it” says a lot about where you may be coming from now.  Could it be that, unlike your girlfriend, you see what is out there is a lot more interesting or glamorous, or that you just don’t believe her any more?  Another possibility, and really only you could know this but you really should ask yourself this question, is that you did not really want to repair the relationship all along and used her lack of communication as an excuse to make an exit.  7 years (and some months ago) you were really into each other, but sometimes, over time, that attraction and excitement fades away … when it does, it can be easier to stay physically in a situation that is a comfort zone, but subconsciously, you will push that person away from you?  Might you have, somewhere deep inside, have wanted to do that all along?  The reason it’s important to ask yourself that is because for you to enter into a healthy relationship going forward, you need to recognize what went wrong the first time – blaming her lack of communication may be easy but when we scapegoat inflection we learn nothing.  Just thinking out loud here.

For now, I would be honest with her and tell her that over the past few months you have been looking at what you want for your life, and realized that being in a relationship, especially one with as much baggage as this one would come with, is not for you.  There is nothing wrong with changing.  Just be sure that closing the door for good is what you really and truly want.

Good luck,

Marjie

All Familied Out (Originally posted on 12/23/11)

Dear Marjie,

I know that the holidays are meant to be spent with your family but I really don’t want to.  I feel terrible that I don’t want to be around family during the holidays but you don’t know these people.  Whenever I am with they spend the whole time tearing down any family member who didn’t make it to the gathering.  They are loud, nasty, rude and half of them are either drunk or high most of the time.  There is usually at least one fight, but often two or three break out by the time the evening is over. 

What makes it worse is that I go all year trying to avoid these people anyway.  They rarely talk to me, and when I do get a call from them it’s usually because they need something from me.  As one of the youngest in the family I seldom get the respect that I not only deserve, but have earned.  My opinions never seem to matter, they’ll talk to each other as if I am not even standing there, and honestly, we never had a positive history or any loving moments that would make all this crap worthwhile. 

My question is, do I go to the family gathering because it’s the holiday and I keep hearing how we’re supposed to spend it with family, or do I take the pleasant alternative and be with my friends, even though I know that it’s wrong to do.

Please help, Christmas is this weekend.

Sincerely, All Familied Out

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Dear All Familied Out,

I’m sorry to tell you this, but you MUST spend your holiday with your family.

The phrase, “You can’t pick your family” is a complete and utter lie. 

I think the problem here is you are caught up in a trap with that word “family.”  The people who will be gathering together to wreak havoc, the people who on the best of days treat your poorly, are NOT your family – these are your RELATIONS.  There is a significant difference between the two.

When  you find yourself hurt, suffering from something that breaks  your heart – who do you turn to?  Family.  When you experience great joy and cannot wait to share the news the person you phone is?  Family.  The people you spend time with, the ones to give you peace and whose presence is enjoyable are?  Family.  Your family consists of those people who want to be part of your life, and whose life you want to be part of – not because of blood but because of love. 

Relations are those people who through so biological connection are part of your life.  Some relations are also family – but some relations are nothing more than relations – not family.

There comes a point in your life where you have to start to “pick your family”.  You choose your family based on nothing more than the love and respect you have for one another.  In choosing your family you take control of your life,  your world and your future.  Being family is an honor that is earned through actions not a right.  Just because your mother’s sister decided to have sex with Uncle Fred, and the two of them had Cousin Daisy the biggest fake ass bitch on Earth, does not condemn you to having Daisy in your inner circle, or even  your life should you choose.  Might condemn your Aunt and Uncle, but that’s their problem – not  yours.  But if your friend Vivian is there for you any time of the day or night, brought over ice cream and cheesecake when that douche bag cheated on you, knows what size shoe you wear and how much you hate Chinese food – yo, Viv’s your family.  See?

So rather than letting your relations make you feel obliged, or unimportant, or taken advantage of recognize them for what they are.  They are the condom that broke, the pill not taken, the drunken night someone doesn’t remember or whatever else brought them into your life – because if they truly make you feel the way you do, that’s it – that’s all they are – relations.

I say, Enjoy Christmas and New Year’s with your REAL FAMILY and stop believing the hype.

Happy Holidays.

Marjie